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Previous Episodes (Choose one or scroll down)

| Croque For A Day| One Wedding| Daddy dearest | Raging Bully | The Peoples DragoonOnce You Go Jack | Floundering Father |

Croque For A Day

(Jack's Oneliners)


10 "If you want to expose yourself to art, you've come to the right place"

9 "Oh you got paint on your sleeve, here have a new coat"

8 "So much for your brush with greatness"

7 "Oh Ladies please! Two at a time...uh oh oh"

6 "I don't think Croque could pass anything besides a few kidney stones"

5 "I finally got to throw the book at someone"

4 "If it ain't Croque, don't fix it"

3 "Ok, when the inspector gets here we'll cork him on the beanie and have him home in time for Bastille day"

2 "Don't worry, they will get a spanking they will never forget.....I doubt i'll forget it either"

1 "There are some who say i'm the biggest mother Ffff..figure in the world"



(Em's One-Liners)


7.  "I would have RSVP'D but I didn't want to spoil the surprise"

6.  "To make it fair on you guy's i'll even close my eyes.... down the hatch!"

5.  "Croque & Brogard were gone before you could say GREEDY BUGGERS"

4.  "Wake up and smell the pondscum"

3.  "This is no place to hang around" Jack's retort- "I don't say stupid things like that!.....Do I?"

2.  "You know what they say, no noose is good noose!" Jack's Retort- "Oh Puh-leeeze!"

1.  "Silly Ribbit, Tricks are for kids"



(Jack & Em Banter)



Jack: "They are getting out there and taking the frog by the legs....besides, young people need role models"

Em: "Proper role models don't run around telling impressionable young minds to, and I quote, keep sticking it to the man!"

Jack: "Well i'm not gonna run around tellin em to drink their milk!"


Em: "So you want to be a governor....The idiots guide to French oppression......what is this, a 12 step program to dictatorship?!?"

Jack: "Nah, I read that one too, Highly over-rated"


Jack: "Any other ideas brainiac?!"

Em: "Yes, now that you mention it, get new partner-send old one back to chimp school!"

Jack:  "At least this chimp's idea wasn't a banana!"


Jack: "As long as you never show your ugly masked face around these parts again"

Em:  "Not even Mardi Gras??"


Jack: "Ya know Em your funny, an hour ago you wanted them spanked and grounded"

Em: "Well i'll admit I admire their fanatical devotion to the cause if you admit you've created a monster"

Jack:  "Yeah, a monster with great gams!!"


Jack:  "Where j'ya learn to prance around like that, and those lame ONE LINERS!......C'mon!"

Em: "I wonder where I picked that up, but not to worry I have no intention of moving in on your territory as long as you admit I was rather.....Scintillating!"

Jack:  "Well I'll say this baby!....You put the OOOO in Dragoon!"


One Wedding & An Execution


11.    "Sorry Leon, you made your bed now you gotta  'lie' in it"

Had to include this whole banter....... classic cheese  

10.    Daring Dragoon: "I'll answer that, hell no daddy oh!"   Napoleon: "The Daring Dragoon, we meet again"   DG: "Sorry i'm late I ah... couldn't find a place to park."  N: "The valet's outside"  DG: "What can I say, i'm a little short"  N: "You soon will be!..................... Outside!"

9.    "With all due respect, whatever's goin on here I don't approve...unless i'm invited"

8.    "No peeking while i'm sleeping"

7a    "Don't give me any beak about this Jean Claude!............

7b    "Besides, you should be thanking me, Paris is known for its Hot Chicks"

6.    "Alright, don't get your girdle in a twist Govie!"

5a    "Oh cut me some slack padre, I had soap in my eyes, I can't be blamed for stumbling into the women's locker room"

5b    "I felt my way outta there like a blind Sherpa in the Himalayas"

4.    "Let's just say Emilias idea of a good time in bed is a pajama party and a pillow fight.

3.    In response to his 'Chronic Tennis Elbow'    "Yeah it's weird, I don't even play"

2a    "Napoleon will be like a gopher... in and out of every hole"

2b    "Have fun on your wedding night playing Hide The Emperor!"

1a    "Your assuming you can change him which is the second most popular myth affecting your gender"

1b    "I'll give you the long and short of it someday sister!"




Daddy Dearest


6. "Take a number fellas, cus everyone gets a turn"

5. When asked if he was impressed by Em's father "Of course, but I'm not about to admit it"

4. "Well looky what we have here, a circle of jerks"

3. In response to putting laxative in the English army food "You should have seen them red coats run"

2. "Personally I have a rule never to release my gas in public"

1. "Don't get too attatched, she's just gonna leave you for a bigger cockatu"



Raging Bully


3. "Stuff him in a pillow case and we have a piniata party"

2. In response to Captn. Brogard dreaming of this momment "Which one of us was Little BoPeep"

1. "Sorry Emperor, you won't be getting any head today"


Extras thanks to MacGuyver..

"Now, sit down, Nappy; before I spank ya!"

"I WAS going to crash through the window, but since you're expecting me; I figured, 'What the hell'."



The People's Dragoon


9. "Don't look now but your barn door is open and your cows are gettin out"

8. "I was wondering when we were gonna play doctor"

7. "Turn off the faucet sister I wasn't born yesterday"

6. "Oh my sense of duty gives me such a headache" (rubbing temples)

5. "Now thats what I call a french toast"

4. "Not if it means free booze"

3. "Well they say rubber is 99% effective"

2. "Take your head out and stay awhile LePew, looks like you could use the air"

1. "Don't make me use my stuff on you baby"
NOTE: This was #1 because it reminded me of the great ASH





Once You Go Jack


6. After dropping a french soldier in a barrel "good to the last drop"

5. "It's a beautiful day, the smell of violence is in the air, what could possibly go wrong!"

4. "If I were any more civilised i'd be wearin a dress"

3. "Minute man?? C'mon baby I was a five minute man, at least"

2. "I'm the itch you can't scratch, the gas you can't pass"

1. Had to be......       "Once you go Jack, you never go back"



Floundering Father


#6   In response to not seeing 3 dimentionally "Oh I do, what are you 36-24-36?"

#5   "You know me, I never pass up a 'sail'"

#4   "I'm trying to PROPULSE!"

#3   In response to God being female "That would explain why we are always trying to please her and nothing we do is good enough"

#2   "You can't pass for a French soldier with those Jubblies...."

And last but not least..

#1   In response to Em's 'Jubblies' not being detatchable "Too bad, they'd make a nice addition to my teddy bear"